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Feeling unhappy and lost? It might be time to break up with your PhD advisor and go back to dating for a new one!
A Ph.D. is a long-term commitment (longer than many marriages), you might need to date for a bit to understand what works for you.
Which is totally fine, I promise, as long as you follow ONE golden rule:
Never burn a bridge.
(Unless the bridge is already burning, and then you gotta water your way off it… I have to write that post too)
I switched research groups three times before joining the group where I got my Ph.D. Two of my ex-advisors were on my Ph.D. committee. My final group was a far better fit for me than anything I had tried before.
Even in an ‘ideal’ research group, grad school is really hard.
In my humble (and biased!) opinion, the grad school experience is not worth going through unless you have found an advisor/group/research combination that clicks for you.
You need to be filled with much-needed motivation to return to school day after day, maybe night after night, for several years (5.5 years average in the US), to work the hardest you have ever worked on something.
If you don’t think you have met your match for a research group, then keep looking.
What to do with your current group? Well, most importantly, again:
Never burn a bridge.
You might want to switch for a number of reasons. I hope it is something like: you don’t feel passionate about the research or that you don’t like the particular advising style.
Hopefully, it is not more traumatic than that.. although, it can be sometimes and in that case, I am sorry and I hope you get help.
Actually, whatever the situation, get help! Talk to someone – seniors, classmates, administrators that you trust, other professors, counselors.
Share your experience to evaluate your experience.
I think it is possible to leave a group without making enemies. Or at least, it should be.
Everyone is a professional here. You are. The professor is.
So, don’t feel like you have to stay with them if you think it won’t work for you in the long run.
If it doesn’t work for you, it won’t work for them either. So, you would be doing everyone a favor by making a graceful exit.
This is especially true if you are on TA or department fellowship and the advisor does not pay you yet.
First and second-year grad students in my department are often in this situation. They are not paid by the advisor.
In some ways, they provide “free” labor to the advisor and yes, they are learning and getting experience, but this is also the time for both the student and the advisor to figure out whether they want to commit to each other for the long haul.
If you don’t think you want to commit to the group, it is best to switch while you are still “free” to the advisor.
You want to break up with your PhD advisor and move to the NEXT one and give THEM some of your “free” time.
I have learned it the hard way that few (not all) advisors are happy to string you along when you cost them nothing. These advisors have some or all of the following features:
- They don’t really care about you or your Ph.D.
- They were never that interested in helping or teaching you in the first place or in advising in general (I know, weird, since it is, at least, part of their job to be an advisor/teacher)
- These advisors are typically hard to get a hold of, hard to set up appointments with or get feedback from on your project
- They probably never gave you much direction or resources
- The advisor, conveniently, did not introduce you properly to the rest of the group
- They might have failed to mention or introduce you to the other student they took on from your year that is your competition
- They want Hunger Games in their group (cuz they can have it) and could not care less about how the outcome might affect you or your career
Sigh.
Sample email for when you have to break up with your PhD advisor
Dear Professor X,
I am so thankful for the opportunity to work in your research group. However, I feel your group is not a good fit for me in the long run. I really appreciate your time and help. I learned a lot from this experience and would especially like to thank A, B, and C for their mentoring.
I have documented my work so far in my lab notebook and backed up all my files on your group’s server. Please find attached a note/presentation summarizing my work so far. I will be more than happy to meet with the next student who would pick up this project.
Please let me know if you would like to meet with me at any time to discuss anything. I hope to stay in touch!
Thanks again for everything,
Oindree
I know what you are thinking: breakups should always be done in person. But I have learned that in particularly toxic cases it is best to DISENGAGE and be easy on yourself.
The more you meet in person and keep engaging, the more likely it is to end badly and burn bridges. You need to start avoiding the other person and politely disengaging. You don’t need to keep meeting them, you don’t need to tell them details about your next steps. You are leaving because this was a bad fit and you have every right to leave.
Your time is yours and there is no need to keep giving them more of it – the world belongs to people who value their own time.
Avoiding does not necessarily mean ghosting. But if you have made up your mind about breaking up, it is best to let them know that you are breaking up and then proceed to move AWAY. Sometimes a professor who was perfectly happy to neglect and/or mistreat you will suddenly become totally possessive when you say you are leaving and even try to hinder your chances of finding a different group – this is from my own, personal experience. Just think abusive relationships – the parallels are remarkable.
Now, you can’t totally avoid them either. In my experience, upon receiving the breakup email, professors will ask to meet to discuss the experience, make sure everything is ‘OK’ between you two. Again, be very professional and keep the meeting brief.
No need to show your true feelings when you break up with your PhD advisor. They don’t have to know and might not deserve to know. Talk to your therapist or a friend about your true feelings, not the professor you are breaking up with.
When you know you are going to exit, make the exit as graceful as possible.
Who knows, the whole thing could be really positive. Not every breakup case has to be something bad.
For example, maybe something like funding or availability of positions didn’t work out, but the advisor and you really liked working together.
Now, you have a professional contact in the department. If they cannot be your advisor, the next best thing is to be on your committee! So if you get along with your ex-advisor, ask them to be on your committee.
Maybe they can write you a recommendation letter someday.
Or, introduce you to a different professor, or research group that you really want to get in to.
Perhaps you can write a paper with them…? (Maybe that’s too much)
Hopefully, the possibilities are endless for you and I wish you all the best!
I am happy to answer any specific questions related to a switch. Do put them as comments below!
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