Returning my Mac is a sorry side effect of graduating with a Ph.D. If you got a computer from school, which I hope you did, now it must go back to school.

I knew this but that does not mean I was prepared for it! Losing something as basic as a computer is pretty earth-shattering and today is that day.

Today is the end of an era. After being done with school for over three MONTHS, I found myself finally capable of returning my Mac. Yep, it took me that long.

Detaching myself from the Mac was no easy task. I depended on it. And, I miss it sorely as I type on this non-Mac, right now.

I dug out my laptop from my undergrad days.. that’s what this is. It might decide to blue screen on me at any moment. I used to love this computer as well but not like I loved my Mac.

(This one’s Windows :/)

So, I am in a pensive mood and do not know what to do. How am I supposed to live post returning my Mac?

I got the Mac after I passed my candidacy exam in graduate school. It’s like I earned it, you know?

I remember the good day when my advisor walked into my office (another thing I no longer have) and told me that I could pick a Mac out online and that she would buy it for me.

Do WHAT? PICK out a MAC?? I was out of this world!

Macs are great but they are even better when someone else buys them for you! I will always be grateful for that. Thank you, advisor.

Since then, of course, the Mac and I have been constant companions.

It went everywhere with me. On all my trips. It went to fricking Antarctica with me! At times, it was my ONLY companion.

When I did badass things on the ice, like sending commands to my airborne, flying detector (through a satellite), I did so on my Mac.

When I communicated intermittently with the rest of civilization, I did so on my Mac.

Too bad there was not much time to spend with friends or family. That’s graduate school. I was expected to do work all the time so I developed a close bond with my work computer! Makes sense.

Full disclosure, I am a millennial. But we are supposed to be closer to our PHONES than anything else, not Macs. So, this attachment issue I blame on the unidimensionality that academia forces.

So yeah, I am sad. When I sent my Mac off today with hugs and kisses, my heart was heavy and it is still pretty heavy.

I should have just bought a new Mac at some point and transitioned out of the grad school Mac!

But Macs are expensive!! It’s a big purchase and I just haven’t gotten around to it yet in these crazy, few months.

In graduate school, I was too busy doing graduate school – working, surviving, and graduating. Right after grad school, I was too busy starting my new job and moving for my new job.

I have been swamped and an overwhelming amount of things have been going on and of course, I needed a computer throughout. As a result, when was I supposed to figure out the this-is-not-my-Mac-anymore situation? Not to mention dealing with the grief of losing my Mac, too!

Post dissertation depression is totally a thing and feeling grief is not uncommon after finishing a PhD

Finishing a Ph.D. brings both relief and grief. It feels like your life is over. Because, life as you knew it, IS over. It’s kind of terrifying.

(I will write more about that and what helped me to get over the worst of the post-dissertation slump in another post)

Keeping the Mac with me was probably giving me feelings of security as I entered a new world and a new life. But now that’s gone. It is like saying goodbye to my previous life all over again.

So, good readers, help me out in this crisis. Should I just buy another Mac?

Macs are not the best computers but they are probably the most-loved computers

Buying a Mac feels like indulging rather than doing something I really need to do. No one NEEDS a Mac, right? There are plenty of cheaper (and objectively BETTER, some would say) options for computers.

It certainly does not help that Apple never really does any big sales for their items. Like, never ever.

Apple, do you know how many STUDENTS depend on your products and that we need these things to be more affordable?!

I know Best Buy has up to $200 off on Macs for Black Friday…so, that’s something. But it is not much compared to the price of a Mac. ANY Mac. So, this is where I am stuck now. To buy or not to buy a Mac.

Should I get one? You tell me.

Update: I totally got one and LOVE it!!